If An Almost-Relationship Were a Yelp Review
Because all we’re really searching for in life is the perfect meal
You’re walking down a familiar street when an awning catches your eye. It belongs to a restaurant that you’ve passed by several times before, but had never bothered to give a second thought to. Perhaps it’s your curiosity or simply the chill in the air at this time of year that leads you to venture inside today; you can’t quite be sure.
The second you step inside you’re made to feel welcome as you’re ushered to take a seat in the waiting room. As you begin to look around more closely you admire the decor that is surprisingly to your taste yet unexpected at the same time. The dining area is shrouded by a heavy curtain, leaving you increasingly curious about what lays behind it as the minutes tick by. You’re in no rush, so you sit patiently as you take in your new surroundings and are presented with a menu — your first glimpse behind the curtain.
You peruse the menu items one by one, overcome with feelings of elation and slight disbelief . It’s everything you’ve ever wanted in a menu and feels as if it was crafted with you alone in mind. As an added bonus, they even have your favorite dessert and everything is reasonably priced! You start picturing this place, so recently unknown to you as being your new go-to spot; a place you’d feel excited to bring friends and family. The transition from a cautious curiosity to a jittery excitement happens quickly, and you try to temper it with some realism. After all, you’re quite the restaurant enthusiast and are all too familiar with a promising menu not translating into a satisfying meal. Perhaps the fish will be overcooked or the produce wilted; perhaps the service will be terrible or the dining room cold and dreary. You hastily push these thoughts aside because something in your gut tells you that this time will be different, and just like that your typically constantly nagging thoughts quiet to a whisper as you nestle further into your seat and prepare for what could be the best meal of your life.
You’ve been seated in the waiting room for some time now, but feel certain that all is well. This reassurance comes in the form of a steady show of appreciation for your presence; they’re already excited to have you back! You’re even handed a complimentary glass of wine (Cab, of course). You’re happy to keep waiting, but begin to wonder if you should say something as you expected to have been seated by now. However, it feels silly to bring up as the restaurant is clearly working on preparing your table with all the attention and thoughtful gestures you’ve been receiving. And so you decide to continue waiting in anticipation of your meal that is surely to begin any minute now. You’ve been given no reason to believe otherwise.
A considerable amount of time has passed when all of a sudden the heavy curtain is swiftly drawn back, revealing an empty room behind it. Puzzled at first, you step inside and search for a doorway leading to a dining room or to a kitchen, but quickly realize that you’re surrounded by four solid walls. You know without having to be told that there will be no meal; there never was one to begin with. Your stomach drops as you come to terms with your new and abruptly altered reality. You’ll never experience this meal the way you imagined it. You’re still gripping the menu and stare numbly at the words that now represent nothing but empty promises; it feels as if they’re mocking you.
A man appears in the doorway separating the waiting area from the empty room and he thanks you for participating in the restaurant’s waiting room trial run, but that they’ve come to realize that they’re searching for a candidate with slightly different qualifications from yours to taste test the full meal. Your mind begins to race as you grasp for answers and conclude that there must be some kind of mistake, if only as a futile attempt to placate the paralyzing feelings of loss that you’re having trouble making sense of given the sudden turn of events.
So you inquire about the menu, your menu, and the man laughs and remarks that they provide the same menu to everyone.
What about the long wait, only to turn you away in the end? The man explains that they were enjoying your company — you seemed to be enjoying yourself too, he added. It was overall a successful rehearsal, don’t you think?
Different qualifications? You know you’re qualified for the trial run of the full meal, but then again you didn’t even know you were participating in a trial run. You feel deceived, like you weren’t given a fair shot. How can they judge your qualifications when they’ve only just begun getting to know you? The man shrugs and says you can’t deny a gut feeling. But what about your gut feeling?
The man departs as suddenly as he appeared and you find yourself once again alone in the empty room, hesitant to leave because when you do this place and the experiences you had here will exist only as memories. You’re able to see the restaurant clearly now for what it was, a performative display of courtship for the sake of momentary gratification and excitement, at your expense. You wish that you hadn’t noticed the awning at all that day, and that instead you had walked past without paying it any notice as you had countless times before.
At the same time, you wish that you had been brave enough to pull back the curtain on your own. Because in your gut, you knew that something wasn’t quite right and that you ignored it so as not to tarnish the experience you had been waiting for for so long. You now wish the fish had been overcooked or the produce wilted because at least then you would have been able to answer the question of what if. Instead, you’ll continue to imagine the main course as this perfect, unattainable thing that you’ll never be able to experience but that others will — and it’s not up to you. And you have to accept it.
And so you leave, feeling hollow, hungry, and making a mental note to steer clear of restaurants donning curtains of any sort in the future. You won’t be returning.
Rating: 2 / 5 — Only because of the free wine
